4:19 a.m. - 2019-04-22
I want him to choose me
I went to a wedding on Saturday and wore a red dress.
It was the first real wedding ive ever been to, or at least that’s what I thought. Weddings are so religious and formal and just like a lot of pressure. Sigh
I mean it was beautiful, it was all beautiful, and i took Tina and she was so taken by it all and she kept saying aww which I thought was childish a little it made me feel like a bitter old shrewd haha.
Maybe it’s because I’m heartbroken and my fiancée broke up with me but the whole thing just seemed a bit much and delusional but sweet at the same time.
I just kept thinking I don’t want this
I want just me and him to look at each other and choose each other and love like no one is watching.
I have very deep seated shame ingrained in my and I don’t know how to overcome it.
I’m deeply ashamed to dream or be feminine. I remember when I was younger I was so girly and protected and then I came here and I had to hide and I wanted to not live and not be a woman because it made me so vulnerable.
... this is what makes me sad 😞 the fact that I don’t feel secure.
I mean I know I like females and males but I don’t see myself being with a woman
Not the way everyone else sees it . I miss My love. And he judges me and thinks im a hoe. I don’t understand.
Please help me understand how to be .
