5:35 p.m. - 2011-04-13
Should I be more selfish???
Sooooooo, just had a long "wonderful" talk with Ms. Gail... sigh.. :(, very revealing from my part. I know she loves me, but I just felt very very vulnerable, and I know she's thinking about me right now, maybe she's a little sad and worried, not sure. She really made me realize or at least reaffirm some of the stuff that I already know about myself and that I need to work on:
-I like to feel needed... (WtH!)
-I judge and criticize myself and my feelings a little too much. :(
-Also, something inside of me wants to be or become a martyr, me hago como un martir. Like if I have to sacrifice myself for the well-being of another... I am willing to do it, or maybe even look for it.
I think this is because a lot of times I have not wanted to live, therefore I feel the necessity to justify my life by making someone else's a lot easier or at least a little bit easier.
About Javi:
Yes, I like him very much, but I also recognize that it is overwhelming how much he needs me... A little scary. I like how kind he can be at times, and very cute and attentive towards me. I love his vulnerability, which in itself makes me question my Psyche, why is it that I like him being vulnerable? I like his eyes, and his smile. I like making him happy. I doubt his love for me, and his true motives. I don't completely trust him. I do want him, but that could be just lust. I feel like I could be safe with him, but also very sad, because he is very troubled. I worry about him a lot... I do love him, but am still not sure completely in what sense. ...
(sigh) I will have to come back to this one.... I want to call him, but am a little afraid. .. :( I don't think he'll be able to wait for me, and I am not sure he can become what i want him to be for me.
